On dying

I know . . . that's a heavy title. And I'm not an expert, obviously. Just been a bit reflective today on this Palm Sunday - thinking about Jesus' choice to surrender to death for me. Weighing in on the implications of it, the reality of how horrible, how gruesome, how betraying and degrading the whole thing was. How phenomenal His love is. How mind boggling. How silencing and confusing.

I cannot do this. Cannot love like this. Cannot love people as they insult me, are unkind to me. I cannot. I cannot comprehend His self-control in His silence. I want my heart and mind to be fully PRESENT this week as we prepare to celebrate Easter. About 8 years ago, my sweet Jesus really changed me. Gave me a tangible hope. Redeemed me in heaps of ways. SAVED me from myself. My response to His resurrection now is much different than it used to be, because He has raised me up too. My redemption is real and I am not who I was . . . this is so worth celebrating to me.

So now, instead of singing calmly, "He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today." I have to restrain myself from throwing my head back, driving my fists in the air and screaming my fullest, purest victory cry. Instead I stand there and my tears start to pour out of every orifice and my nostrils flare and I start sweating. One of these Easters, I will shout a warrior's praise.

My Jesus has conquered what no one else ever will. He has beat death for me. Where O death is your victory? Where O grave, is your sting? Where, Deception, Depression, Defeated and Beat down Woman, is your victory? Where, Hopelessness, Faithlessness, Doubt is your sting?

It's gone. You've been beat. Someone called "My Strength" has fought for me and won.

So tonight, with a fighter rising up in me as I think of Jesus, I think also of my friend, Matt Nagel, who is staring death in the face, whose body is fighting to retain the fullest part of himself, to not suffer loss and I beg Him, O my Strength, to beat death for Matt. To find a way to be glorified without this sweet family suffering any more loss. Jesus, this is not hard for You.

You are the Victor, there is none Stronger than You. And no one loves with Your fierceness. Beat death again in us. Beat out our selfishness, our pride, our doubt. Beat out our sickness and our weakness.

And Lord, whatever broken pieces we carry to the threshold, whatever sufferings, losses, disappointments you allow for us, help us to stand and shout a victor's cry for you STILL.